Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Christmas Letter 2011

I wrote a Christmas letter back in 2007 that no one but me thought was amusing.   Thought I'd try again.

JANUARY – Celebrated the 2011 holidays by feigning illness.  Retired to bed with the sheets pulled over my head – stayed there for a 4 weeks communing with the dogs

FEBRUARY –  New stage play premieres in San Diego.  Have to be restrained from attacking leading man at opening night party.   Family not speaking to me.  Sweet!  

MARCH – Son’s birthday.  He wants a machine gun and a “scary” mask to take to school.    

APRIL – Decide to try a new anti-depressant which sends me on a screaming, spiraling descent into the black hole of hell.   Been there, done that.

MAY – Back to normal anti-depressants and successfully climb back to usual level of despair.  Challenged by daughter’s birthday.  She wants a “several thousand dollar shopping spree.  Got her chap stick – other than that, not much to report.

JUNE –Children get out of school for the summer.  While attempting to escape, slam car door on my head.   Amnesia, possibly beginning Alzheimer’s, for the rest of the month.

JULY – Turned 59.  Didn’t feel much different than 58 which, frankly, wasn’t all that great.  Wife adjourns to Switzerland for two weeks leaving me with the dogs and the kids.  There is no God.   

AUGUST– wife and God return.   However, am hospitalized for post traumatic stress.  To cover, I have left knee operated on.  Request for extra pain pills denied.

SEPTEMBER – Kids go back to school – I celebrate by drinking an entire case of two buck chuck white zinfandel in one sitting – the rest of the month is a total blur.   

OCTOBER -  For Halloween, daughter dresses – or undresses - as “Aphrodite, Goddess of Love”.   Son dresses as The Royal Huntsman and armed with bow, arrow and knife, insists I accompany him “into the woods as Snow White”.   Don’t remember the dress I wore. 
NOVEMBER– The march towards Christmas begins.   For Thanksgiving the wife serves salmon.   I hate fish.

DECEMBER – Fall off roof putting up Christmas lights and suffer a serious concussion so first two weeks are thankfully a blur.  Children get out of school. While hiding Christmas presents I inadvertently lock myself in the trunk of my car which is where I’m now writing from.    No one’s found me yet.   Am keeping fingers crossed. 

Till next year - Merry Christmas!!

(By the way, if you like Desperate Man become a follower and pass the link at to your friends.)

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