Ode to a golfing friend

Good King Mike

King Mike was quite a good man but his golfing game was not.

If his swing had been his subject, than he’d have had the subject shot.

It was blasphemous, unforgivable!

That he stunk so on the links.

I shall ban the sport entirely if I can’t improve, methinks!

King Mike was quite a kind man but his golfing friends were not

Sir Steve was unpredictable and Sir Eric blew too hot.

Sir Paul was quite respectable and how Sir Dane’s ball flew!

(Sir Dane was quite the happy man having nothing else to do.)

And how King Mike did envy them

The way they strode the green

Paul’s easy smile, Dane’s golfing threads (the finest ever seen),

Sir Eric’s ball flies out of sight

King Mike thought with noble dread

Sir Stephen has a comely swing

It’s flat as matzo bread.

King Mike called the wizard dwarf, Phil Rodgers, to his castle.

I hear you are a golfing whiz, though surly and somewhat facile

I wish to be a golfing king.

I’ve built an indoor range

Make my balls go straight and long

And I’ll pay your daily wage.

They retired to the desert strands where King Mike had a home.

Try swinging with authority, said Phil, the wizard gnome. 

Load the shaft, release the hands

King Mike felt like an ass

The ball did dribble down the range

Cried the wizard dwarf – World class!

Now King Mike was quite a smart man but his golfing game was shit

King Mike had conquered companies

(Said the golfing gnome – that’s it!)

King Mike had dollars, gold and jewels

Beyond most mortal ken

(King Mike had also beer cans – he liked collecting them.)

King Mike and Phil went on the course

Oh, this would be the test.

For the gnome had brought his squire

A pro, the golfing best!

The pro did swing and knocked the ball a mile towards the green

King Mike released it from the top

And promptly burst his spleen

King Mike was quite a good man but his golfing game was not.

King Mike was kind and generous but with the golfing game besot.

The wizard dwarf Phil Rodgers, the royal gallows soon did claim

And as he died, he bellowed this!

You can’t buy a golfing game!!

Note: Phil Rodgers is a teacher to golf professionals.  He was runner up in a US Open to The Golden Bear.    He is about 5'8", weighs a good 250 and is, to put it mildly, gruff spoken.