Occupy Rancho Sante Fe

I've been conducting a playwrighting workshop with a group of enormoulsy talented writers.   They are writing scenes and monologes taken from the daily newspaper.  Newspaper Plays will have a public reading at the Moolelo Theatre in San Diego on 11/15.   I've found the work being done so inspirational I thought I'd write a scene myself.  See below.

THE OCCUPATION
Four people stand next together.  A woman, late twenties, a California surfer dude, a well dressed matron and a wizzened old man.
ALL OF THEM
Occupy Rancho Sante Fe!  Occupy Rancho Sante Fe!  Occupy Rancho Sante Fe!  Occupy Rancho Sante Fe!
PAUSE.
THE DUDE
Not a great turnout, fellow politically idealistic dudes.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
This is Rancho Sante Fe.  It's to be expected.  But they will learn
(Then:)
Occupy Rancho Sante Fe!
Silence.
THE DUDE
Uh... learn what?
FEMALE ACTIVIST
That we, the 99%, take action against the greed and corruption of the 1%!  That we will only grow stronger in our solidarity!
(calling out)
Attention must be paid!
ALL OF THEM
Attention must be paid!  Attention must be paid!  Attention must be paid!
ELDERLY MAN
To donuts!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
To donuts - wait - what?
ELDERLY MAN
Donuts.  I'm here for the donuts.  Won't you be serving donuts?
FEMALE ACTIVIST
We will not be serving donuts.
ELDERLY MAN
Coffee?
FEMALE ACTIVIST
We will not be serving coffee.
ELDERLY MAN
Oh.
A beat.
THE MATRON
Wall Street stole my mortgage!
ALL OF THEM
Wall street stole my mortgage!  Wall street stole my mortgage!  Wall street stole my mortgage!
ELDERLY MAN
Wall Street stole my donuts!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
(to the old man)
Will you please?
(to the matron)
Tell them, citizen!  Tell Rancho Sante Fe exactly how Wall Street stole your mortgage.
THE MATRON
Oh.  Well, dear, not exactly mine but they stole something and there are people who have something and that seems terribly wrong to me.  So here I am.
THE DUDE
Totally bitchin’.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
So you mean....you still have a job and a mortgage?
THE MATRON
Oh, no, dear.  I’ve never had to work.  And we paid cash for our home.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
And... where is your home?
THE MATRON
Oh, about a mile from here.
THE DUDE
Party!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
Is it a... nice home?
THE MATRON
Very nice.  We have horses.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
And so you are... rich?
THE MATRON
I have no idea.  You'd have to ask my husband.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
And he is...?
THE MATRON
The founding executive vice president of Qualcomm.
THE DUDE
Party hard!
ELDERLY MAN
Serve donuts!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
We are not serving donuts!
(to Matron)
Even though you represent everything we vilify and find reprehensible, we are glad you’re here.
MATRON
Thank you.  You too, dear.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
Now.  Where were we?
MATRON
Occupying Rancho Sante Fe, dear.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
Right.  We’re here to let Rancho Sante Fe know how we feel.
(calling)
Corporations are not people!
ALL OF THEM
Corporations are not people!  Corporations are not people!  Corporations are not people!
ELDERLY MAN
Corporations are not donuts!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
Oh, for God sakes!  Can we please occupy something other than donuts?
ELDERLY MAN
Occupy onion bagels!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
No!
THE DUDE
Occupy legal marijuana!
DUDE/MATRON/ELDERLY MAN
Occupy legal marijuana!  Occupy legal marijuana!  Occupy legal marijuana!
ELDERLY MAN
Occupy legal donuts!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
Stop it!  Just stop!  No bagels and enough with the donuts!  And we are not occupying legal marijuana!  Legal marijuana is not the point of us being here!
THE DUDE
Uh, attractive but badly dressed female dude?  Do you not realze how much money the red, whtie and blue could rake in and put to the public good if they legalized and taxed high quality weed?
THE MATRON
Quite a lot, dear.  And it'd be nice to not have to buy it under the counter.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
No!  We are here to end the monied corruption of our democracy.  Not to occupy donuts, not to occupy mortgages for people who don’t need mortgages and not to occupy legal marijuana!
THE DUDE
Dude.  Please.  The personal preference of what a dude wishes to occupy is at the very heart of democracy.  Begrudge no one.  Nuff said.
THE MATRON
It takes courage to stand up for what you believe, dear.  Land of the free.  Home of the brave.
ELDERLY MAN
And donuts!
FEMALE ACTIVIST
No.  It is not - that - simple.  It can’t be.
Silence.  The elderly man raises his hand.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
What now?
ELDERLY MAN
I occupied once before.
FEMALE ACTIVIST
You did? 
ELDERLY MAN
Fifty years ago.  We called it protest then.  Tossed off the fabricated Ozzie and Harriet blinders and took to the streets.  Faced down the police, the National Guard, Kent State, Daly in Chicago.  Carried flowers, gave the peace sign and in return got sprayed with high power hoses, beat with night sticks, shot and arrested.  But we had a dream.  We went to the mountain top.  We saw the crooked places made straight.  And now they aren’t again.  Why?  We have seen the enemy too many times and we keep forgetting.  He is us!  Rancho Sante Fe!  Is this who and what you are?  Are you what we will always aspire to become?  Rich.  But hollow.  One nation divided under money.  You are a cook with nothing but a recipe for disaster.  I say no!  No to turning your back on the less fortunate.  No to not paying or playing fair.  No one left behind!  A soldier does not leave his brothers behind in battle.  I go to the mountain again.  I will make a difference again.  I occupy America!
Silence.  Then:
FEMALE ACTIVIST
Make a difference again.  Make a difference again!
ALL OF THEM
Make a difference again!  Make a diference again!
THE DUDE
Go to the mountain!
ALL OF THEM
Go to the mountain!  Go to the mountain!  Go to the mountain!
THE MATRON
No one left behind!
ALL OF THEM
No one left behind! No one left behind!  No one left behind!
EDLERLY MAN
Occupy America!
ALL OF THEM
Occupy America!  Occupy America!  OCCUPY AMERICA!
A beat
ELDERLY MAN
And coffee and donuts for all!

The Youngsters

A mistake was made.  Yes.  The lovely wife had errands to run and left the youngsters at home alone.   Normally the youngsters are to be trusted.  They play, they sleep, they investigate.   This day  was different.

Dude, what is that?

I do not know.  I cannot see that far.   But... but it... it smells... good!

I dunno, Dude.  Lots of things smell good.  Some of’m don’t come out so nice.  Remember the salsa.

I do not know what this is but it is not salsa.  Oh!  Oh, dear.   My stomach is rumbling.

Dude, your stomach always rumbles.

I am drooling.

Dude, you are always drooling.  

I am hungry!

Dude... you are always hungry.

I think... I think we should have a taste.

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

A small one.

Dude, they’ll be pissed.

Please!!   A very small one.  It smells wonderful.   I am rumbling and drooling both at the same time.  I am getting an erection.

Spare me.  Trouble is, Dude, it’s up there.

You could get it.

Me?

I have seen you jump.  You jump high.   You could get it.  You could it bring it down.

I dunno, dude, this is pretty stiff  jump even for a junior stud like me.

You could vault off my back.

What?   Are you crazy?

No!  You can do it.  I know you can.  You will take a running start.  You will vault off my back!  You will get it!  And we will have a bite.  And then we will put it back.

A bite, huh?  Just a bite?

A small one.

All right.  I’m gonna regret this but... don’t move.

You have done it!   You are up there!  

Whoa, Dude,  this thing is unbelievable.

I know it is!  I can smell that it is!  Now bring it down and we will have a bite!   A small one!

I dunno, Dude.  Maybe I better extensively check it out first.

No!!!

Aw, Dude, the juice is delicious.

Bring it down NOW!!!!

All right, all right, hold your waddles.   In coming!   Aw shit!  The plate.broke!

I do not care about the plate! 

Dude, you gonna help me down or what?   Dude?  Dude, come on,  leave me some.   At least a wing.

No!  All mine!  All for me!   Is this cilantro?!

What do you care?   You’re eating so fast, you’re not even tasting.

I am tasting!  I am taking small bites! 

Yeah, like a steam shovel.   Okay, coming down.   Ouch.  That hurt! 

Get back up on the counter.  Get away!

Dude, I’m not going near you, you might start eating me.

I am in ecstasy.  I am in heaven.  Is this the pope’s nose?

Dude, that’s a bone.  You are now offically eating bones.

They are delicious!

And you are a garbage disposal.

No, I am a Labrador. 

Same thing.

Oh, my goodness!  It is gone!  It is all gone!  What happened to it?

You ate it, Dude.

No!!!!!

Dude, you're  insane.    We’ll put it in your papers.  Insane dog.  

There must be more!  Oooh!  Wait!  There is!

No, Dude, you’re licking the floor.

Oh!   Woe is me!   It is gone!  There is nothing left.  Woe is me, woe, woe!

You realize, Dude, you are now probably going to have diarrhea for a week.

I do not care.   I like it.

Nobody else does.

They will love me. We will play fetch with a tennis ball and they will love me!

Not when they see the plate.

Ooooh!   You are right!   The plate!

No!  Don’t eat it!

Oh!   What shall we do?  What shall we do?  You are smart.  You are a Hungarian hunting hound.  What shall we do?

Not my problem, Dude.  You're the one who ate it.

You helped me.   You got it down.   They know I cannot jump  high.   They will blame you.   You are a puppy and  they will blame you, not me.

Okay, look, we’re gonna blame it on the fat, furry idiots downstairs, okay?   Get'm up here and everybody'll blame them.

Oh!  That is smart!   You are smart.  That is why I like you.

Dude, you like everybody.

I cannot help it.  It is my nature.  And now I have to go to the bathroom.

First things first, dude.   You now know the plan.   Any questions?

Yes!  Yes!   What time is dinner?

Aw, Dude.

The Tarheel and The Mayor

When contemplating the future of my surgically repaired knee I need look no further than The Tarheel and The Mayor.  Let me start by saying weekend tennis warriors only get better with age in Southern California.   It’s either in the weather or the water.    They’re like fine wine, they might pour slower, yes, but they get smoother.  They’re to be appreciated.

The Tarheel and The Mayor are perfect examples.   Both are in their 60’s, both are former basketball players – The Tarheel a guard, The Mayor a small forward – and both are still ridiculous competitors.

Off the court, both have been successful in business, both have loving if long suffering wives, and both are outgoing, friendly men.  The Tarheel is pretty much adored by all who know him.  The Mayor pretty much adores anybody he’s talking to at any given moment.   The Tarheel is prone to smiles and friendly waves when he passes in his BMW.   The Mayor is prone to earth shaking, heart lurching  blasts as he leans on the horn of his F-150 pick-up to announce his immediate arrival.

To a hacker’s annoyance, both have single digit handicaps.  The Tarheel, after pasting one 250 down the fairway, likes to turn and snicker at you like Muttley the dog in an old Hanna-Barbera cartoon  (he does the same thing after a winning drop shot).   The Mayor raises his arms in the air and shouts –“ Sixty-five years old!!!”  (he does the same after a cross court winner).

And here’s the thing.  Both sport enough amour on their broken down knees to make a knight in King Arthur’s court  jealous’ – really! - creaking black metal braces that start mid-thigh and drop to mid calf.   The Mayor takes it a step further, encasing most of his bowed legs in tight black plastic support. 

The other day I watched them play a baseline game.  This is a game played to ten that does away with the serve (serving takes away from the exercise and let’s face it, there are no good braces for shoulders).   As men who took up the game of tennis a bit late in life, both have excellent forehands and suspect backhands.   The mayor likes to pound the ball, the Tarheel like to mix it up.  The Mayor, who is Jesuit educated, is constantly yelling at the Tarheel to stop hitting it anywhere but down the middle as it is not in the spirit of the game and because “God doesn’t like a serious competitor”.  To which the Tarheel hits another drop shot and gives his trade mark snicker.  In response, the Mayor, who is obviously on God’s shit list because he is a rabid competitor, hits his forehand harder.

They are surprisingly well matched.  

Nothing will stop them.

Which means, as I approached my sixties with knee brace firmly in place -

- nothing - !

- will stop - !

- me!